I miss the drive and determination I had when I had cancer – that will to fight and push through anything, regardless of how hard, how tough, how painful.
Today I nearly cried as I tried to run a simple mile. My chest hurt from a minor reconstruction (or deconstruction, I should say) procedure I had this morning. My surgeon dug two huge needles into the remaining solo expander I have in my left breast to deflate it. After carefully considering my options (1. surgery to remove expander, 2. exchange surgery to insert implants or 3. leave expander in but deflate for symmetry; no surgery necessary), I stuck with my goal for 2013: to have a surgery-free year.
Still, I left the surgeon’s office today feeling like a reconstruction reject. Many women are able to get their new boobs after breast cancer without a hitch. But for me, breast reconstruction has been such a waste of my time, energy and money. I honestly did think reconstruction was the right choice for me at the time – and I think I may give reconstruction another try one day. Just not today. What’s more important to me this year is getting back in shape and optimal health, running a 5K and maybe a 10K.
Today, I ran only 0.33 of a mile before the pain became too much to bear and I decided to finish out the mile walking. I kept thinking to myself: how could I possibly finish a 5K while pregnant and on chemo in 2011, yet I couldn’t bear this minor chest pain, combined with the ongoing bone pain in my foot (yet, another chemo side effect). That was some determination! Or maybe it was the drugs. No matter how hard I tried to push through today, I just couldn’t. I’m still in pain as I type this post.
When I got home from my run…or walk, I saw this on a fellow survivor’s page. Exactly what I needed to read. So I’ll try again tomorrow.