New Normal, New Milestones

Last month while meeting with my psychotherapist, I shared with her how upsetting and frustrating it has been for me to adjust to this so-called “new normal” after cancer.

I mentioned the disappointment I felt when logging workouts and training runs in my RunKeeper mobile app. I’ve used this app for years – well before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Every time I complete a run, the app records my stats: time, distance, calories burned, etc. And every time I log a run, I look through my activity logs to see the progress I’ve made.

I see that my best all-time run recorded was in August 2010, two months before my breast cancer diagnosis, when I ran 10 miles at a 10:05 pace.

My therapist suggested that I let go, delete that logged activity and focus on setting new milestones. I left that session indifferent but in agreement that I was beating myself up over something so trivial. Except to me, it wasn’t that trivial. And as a few days passed, I decided that the only way to truly accept my new normal was to make it better than my old one.

Thus, a few weeks ago, on my 33rd birthday, I set out to beat my all-time best Runkeeper record. While I knew I couldn’t beat my best time or my best pace, I could at least try for a new all-time best distance, no matter how long it took me.

That evening, I spent 2 hours, 45 minutes and 44 seconds, fighting through fatigue, neuropathy, sweat and tears to reach 10.05 miles, making it my new all-time best distance in my RunKeeper log.

When I returned home from training that night, just after midnight, my hubby had his hand out to give me a high-5. Barely able to walk and overcome with exhaustion, I asked him how he knew I had reached my goal. He said to me, “Because you always do what you say you’re going to do.”

It was an amazing feeling to reach that goal – and to know that I no longer had to beat myself up over old milestones. Call me stubborn, determined or something of the like, but I refuse to let breast cancer make me feel any less in any way. As I shared this experience with a great friend of mine, she reminded me of a quote that I will try to keep in mind as I continue to navigate through this “new normal.”

Follow my training and support me in the Komen 3-Day Dallas: www.the3day.org/goto/teamroxy

Try Again Tomorrow

I miss the drive and determination I had when I had cancer – that will to fight and push through anything, regardless of how hard, how tough, how painful.

Today I nearly cried as I tried to run a simple mile. My chest hurt from a minor reconstruction (or deconstruction, I should say) procedure I had this morning. My surgeon dug two huge needles into the remaining solo expander I have in my left breast to deflate it. After carefully considering my options (1. surgery to remove expander, 2. exchange surgery to insert implants or 3. leave expander in but deflate for symmetry; no surgery necessary), I stuck with my goal for 2013: to have a surgery-free year.

Still, I left the surgeon’s office today feeling like a reconstruction reject. Many women are able to get their new boobs after breast cancer without a hitch. But for me, breast reconstruction has been such a waste of my time, energy and money. I honestly did think reconstruction was the right choice for me at the time – and I think I may give reconstruction another try one day. Just not today. What’s more important to me this year is getting back in shape and optimal health, running a 5K and maybe a 10K.

Today, I ran only 0.33 of a mile before the pain became too much to bear and I decided to finish out the mile walking. I kept thinking to myself: how could I possibly finish a 5K while pregnant and on chemo in 2011, yet I couldn’t bear this minor chest pain, combined with the ongoing bone pain in my foot (yet, another chemo side effect). That was some determination! Or maybe it was the drugs. No matter how hard I tried to push through today, I just couldn’t. I’m still in pain as I type this post.

When I got home from my run…or walk, I saw this on a fellow survivor’s page. Exactly what I needed to read. So I’ll try again tomorrow.